Prayer can be a difficult thing. I love the feeling of coming to God and being completely open with him. I love opening my eyes and feeling that sense of peace that even my closest friends can’t give me sometimes. There have been times that I’ve come to God in prayer with an unsettled heart, tears in my eyes and a racing pulse and by the end of it, I’m completely at ease. The tears are on the verge of my eyes but they don’t fall. I feel a sense of strength to suck them back and face whatever’s caused them. My heart beat slows and I feel like I’ve awoken from a really deep sleep. For just a moment, as I acknowledge how different I feel after one prayer, I forget why I even bowed my head in the first place. When I remember, I feel joyful that God granted me that escape. It reminds me that NOTHING is ever as bad as it seems or as this world will lead me to believe. Even so, it’s often a hurtful process, forcing me to talk about things I tend to hide away when surrounded by other people. While this only benefits me in the long run, it doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m praying for a friend right now, someone who I care about deeply. I pray for no one like I pray for him. I hope more for him than I do any other person in my life and yet, he gives me nothing in return. For some reason, this can’t even make me turn from him completely. I often ask God why things had to change so much. I challenge Gods purpose in taking him out of my life. But I trust that God’s working in him. It’s hard to remember God’s in control when I see the changes taking place in my friend’s life. I see the new influences he’s under and the new decisions he’s making. I feel my heart sink when I question whether he’s started drinking. I log onto facebook with a heavy heart because I know I’ll have to see something else that reminds me of the opposite paths we chose. I feel an inexpressible sadness not because I still love him. It’s not even because it seems he doesn’t care about me at all anymore. It’s because I always saw such a bright future for him, and it darkens as every day passes and he forgets God a little more.

I can choose to take everything at face value and assume this is just how it is now. I’m aware that most people my age would laugh at me if they knew how I felt about things. They’d tell me to lighten up or maybe even to back off, even though I’ve been doing a pretty good job of that lately. But when you truly care about someone on a deeper level – when you take love and your past together out of the equation and simply look at the person for who they are and who they could be – it’s impossible to not hope for more for them. No one can pray for him like I can because no one believes in him like I do. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, no other person has had a glimpse into his heart like I have, and they can’t envision the future I’ve envisioned for him. I know he’s going to have that bright future some day. Right now, it doesn’t seem like it. I have to look past all the changes and remember that I simply have to pray and care for him, hoping that he sees it in some way. That he knows he can make poor decisions and fall in with valueless people, and still have a safe haven if it ever falls apart.

Sometimes, as a Christian, we have to be that person. We have to suffer a little longer in love and friendship in order to be the people God called us to be and demonstrate his true love for his Children. It’s not fun – it’s heartbreaking and frustrating and something I’d never have chosen to do willingly but that’s how God works.  He’s taught me that I don’t need or particularly want the love of a boyfriend. I just want peace to know that the one I did love has happiness and places trust in the right things and people. As I see his life changing more, I’m learning to bring it to God and trust that it’s easy to act a certain way, but no one can know how Gods stirring his heart. It WILL happen someday. He’ll wake up and realise his life, as it stands, isn’t fulfilling and it isn’t him. I’m thankful that Gods given me a heart that cares yet still heals. I’m happier and more comfortable in my own skin. I see a future that’s so awe inspiring and bright, I’m actually daring to dream a little. It’s exciting to feel like this again.

I know my friend will find his way. He may not even see things for what they are right now. He could perceive the way his life is now to be a happy one but it can’t compare to a life with God close.  I may never even see his faith being renewed – but it doesn’t mean it won’t. Believing in something that you can’t make happen yourself is one of the most faith taxing things you’ll ever do – but that’s why we have a God like ours.

He makes happen, what we can’t even imagine.

So I’ll just keep praying.