Lord, I wonder how much of a true servant I am to you. Sometimes my words and actions seem so far from what you’ve taught me and I question my spiritual growth. I look at the many ways in which you’ve blessed me and I cannot possibly repay you. Growth is hard to measure. Sometimes, I’m on the very cusp of breaking through but never quite get there. Every day, I’m striving. I’ve gone from making an effort to pray to praying without much thought. Yet I’m experiencing the best prayer sessions in my walk with you. That’s growth.

I’ve gone from making an effort to include you more and more in my life to physically being unable to revise for exams until I’ve sat down and spent time with you. I act on those moments of impulse you give me, Lord, instead of telling myself I have more pressing things to do. That IS growth. Things remain in my life that frustrates me greatly when placed beside the things you’re already achieving in me. I find it difficult to hold my tongue and keep an opinion to myself. Half the time, I don’t even consider how hurtful that opinion can be, but I voice it anyway. In that moment, I feel so disappointed in myself that I forget all the things you’ve been helping me get right.

I am changing – in small yet very important ways. I’m changing things in my life that used to be crumbling around me. When I’m in your presence, nothing feels too overwhelming or hard to take. All I feel is peace. All I experience is love. And I’m no longer weak.

I have so much to work on in my life but for all my flaws, I’m willing to submit, Lord. All my cares, stresses and, anxieties - I’m willing to give them to you and leave my worries trailing behind me. This year is going to present many changes in its self, but you’ve given me a courageous spirit. I know I’m facing every mountain with you, Lord. Every hurtful word and spiteful comment will be dealt with in prayer. I’ll revel in every awkward conversation just because I’ve decided to share my faith with someone else. I’ll face pain with joy and acceptance (probably after I shout at you in prayer – when anger hits, you know my first instinct, Lord.) but I’ll always seek to understand why you do things. This year is the year of The Lord for me. The first year I’ve ever walked consistently with you. Getting it wrong, getting it right, not getting anything at all. And it will all be done with you.

So, I’m asking you to use me. To look past my past failures and struggles when most other humans can’t.  Rid me of the assumption that because I spent so many years struggling in my faith, that others can’t see you in me anymore. Even in my weakest hours, I want to be used. Even if another girl see’s me stumbling and realises she’s no worse for stumbling at times too. I love you, Lord. I love the things I can feel happening and I’m ready to be used.

So, I’m ready when you are.

The other day, my devotional book dealt with the topic of Self Control. This is an issue I’ve swept under the carpet many times in the more immature days of my faith, mainly because I knew it would reveal a very erratic, uncontrolled Child of God. The irony is that I was UNDER the control of sin, hence why I didn’t have much control of myself at all. Perhaps now that I’m growing under Gods wings, it’s time to face parts of myself that have been thriving under a lack of control for quite some time.

There’s one issue that springs to mind as soon as I open myself up to this question – What areas of my life need a little self control to better my walk with God?

Gossiping.

I’m ashamed to admit that I struggle with such a generic teenage girl habit. It’s something I don’t think a lot of people would guess about me because it’s only with certain friends that I’d allow this part of myself to REALLY come out in full force. But it’s very much there and present and wholly ungodly and it’s a part of myself that I really HATE. I find myself saying things all the time about others that are SO judgemental, yet I hate to be stereotyped myself. I do and say things that if I thought were said about me…. would hurt.  A lot.

I forced myself to be completely honest about this with God because he sees my heart. He knows the guilt I feel in the aftermath of saying horrible things and my confusion. WHY do I let myself think the way I do? Even worse, WHY do I feel the need to laugh at others and make these thoughts vocal? HOW is that benefitting me or anyone around me? It’s an ugly truth that’s been hindering my walk with God. So, I had to think – what am I doing that’s making this such a hard habit to break?

Then it hit me. The music I listen too. Yes, I know that we’re all guilty of having a song or two that have questionable lyrics but I don’t just LISTEN to music. I use it as a proper escape. I have alter egos in my mind speaking the same words of the song, addressing people with ugly truths in my head that I could never say to their face in real life.

 An example?  Nicki Minaj. I frequently imagine myself singing her lyrics which are pretty bad, and in my head, I KNOW who I’m referring too. I suppose it’s a rebellious part of me, concocting some sort of character in my head that’s the complete opposite of who I am in real life. The scary thing is that I become more like that character in how I speak, the more I let myself enjoy it.

If I spend every morning on the school bus listening to rap music that’s both insulting and demeaning towards others and the world, how can I possibly be ready to uplift others with my OWN speech? I’ve always had this worry in the back of my mind. When I listen to certain songs, I can feel a shift in mindset. Some songs give me the wrong kind of adrenaline that seems to seep into my conversations. I become braver in my own opinion which is usually completely wrong and misplaced. It’s like I adapt the attitude of whoever’s singing the song and claim it as my own.

I took some time to delete every song from my iPod that I think contributes to this part of myself that doesn’t shine so bright for God. I’m supposed to be immersing myself in God as much as possible and this is just a small, practical step to allow myself to do so. There are many other things I need to be doing in order to take control of my tongue. God will help me work the rest out – this is just one thing he’s been gradually making me see for a while!

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” – CS Lewis.

This struck a chord with me today. I spend so much time relying on God, taking every little infliction and placing as much of a positive spin on it as possible. Sometimes, I struggle through the school day, just about clinging to the thought of Gods master plan that I can’t quite grasp yet.  I torture myself with the need to know why things happen at the exact moment they do.  I find it difficult to live in the moment because while I’m aware I’ll experience immense blessings in this life with God, I’ll also endure fierce hardships. It makes me so anxious sometimes because I know that for every good thing God provides, he’ll also test me. Relentlessly, in a loving, fatherly way but when I can’t get past all the hurt I may face in the future, for a moment, that doesn’t seem like much of a consolation.

I’ve realised that my fear of what’s to come in this life with God isn’t really about trusting his perfect plan. It’s more that I know the cost at which this plan must unfold. I know there will be many sacrifices, heartache and pain.

I rarely feel scared about what God will do in my life. I trust that he’s bringing me to places I need to be, people i need to meet and allowing me to experience things that will better me as a person. It’s the journey that I tend to obsess over and analyse. I’m assured that everything will be done for Gods glory and that nothing will leave me feeling worse off.

I want my walk with God to be joyful and unhindered by the harsh realities of life. Negative thoughts tend to infiltrate my mind when I’m going through periods of stress, like exams. I’ve been thinking of this quote all day and I’m thankful that Gods showing me parts of myself that I can work on and progress with.  As I write this, I’m in a pretty bad mood.  In fact, I’m in a pretty foul mood! Exams are on the horizon and I’ve too much on my mind to focus properly.

Within an hour, I know I’ll be fine again. I’ll talk to God; he’ll tell me its okay and quieten my anxious heart. He’ll remind me that I’m living a life that’s been mapped out with immense grace and precision timing. I’ll sit over my bible and read something that stirs that familiar fire in my heart again and I’ll remember that I’m truly happy, even in times of sadness. I’ll step away from Gods throne feeling renewed and ready to fight, ready to submit, ready to learn.  This will stay with me until my next downhearted day, and the process will repeat. And that’s not a bad thing. That’s exactly why we need God.

 This life consists of constant flying, soaring, falling, crashing, and then mustering up the courage to get right back up and face whatever knocked us down. I don’t think I could do that over and over without a little faith.

I’ve been thinking a lot about miracles! Little miracles that happen every day without us even noticing!  I’m using this word so much more in prayer and trying to discern the kind of miracles I’ve experienced in my life. They don’t have to be glaringly obvious. For me, I believe in the art of personal miracles. Events that take place in our lives we could never have imagined and that seemed so improbable, we even doubted Gods ability, as true believers, to do it.

 I experienced a personal miracle on New Year’s night. I was with a friend, addressing God directly, looking up at the starry sky. A few years ago, we were doing the exact same thing, having just become friends, gazing up at the stars, imagining our creator sitting there amongst them. As we were doing this, the most beautiful thing happened. Almost as though it were a dream, the most precise, crystal clear shooting star flew overhead, right above us. I’d never seen a shooting star in my life before this. Perhaps I’d never taken the time to notice. To me, it was God acknowledging our thoughts, letting us know he knew our hearts and what we yearned for. Back then, i did need a little proof. On New Years night, however, remembering how scarily similar things were to that same night, over 2 years ago, I found myself flirting with the notion again.

Should I ask him to do the same thing? To give me a shooting star with my eyes firmly fixed on a certain part of the sky?  Everything he’s been doing inside of me should be enough. But I’m a curious child of God and New Year’s night proved no exception. Megz and I were laughing. We were happy! We’d spent the night dreaming of bright futures, praying that God would plant us firmly on the paths that lead to it. We truly believed that as we asked God to show himself again, he would.

And would you believe that he gave us not one, but TWO shooting stars? Right before our very eyes, 5 minutes apart. I saw the first one and let out a scream! Meghan saw the second one and the squeal of delight said it all. From what I understand, shooting stars don’t happen very often -certainly not over here, anyways.

 Non believers see a lot of things as coincidences, but as a Christian, I believe that’s taking God out of the equation. If I believe things happened randomly in my life, I could never trust an all knowing, all powerful God in the way I do. My faith would be weak, and I’d be clinging to something with little stability. I’ll never forget moments like these, when I can barely breathe as I anticipate God doing something. Then to actually see it – well, that’s just incredible. Miracles sometimes aren’t what you see, but what you feel. I could have looked out my bedroom window, witnessed a shooting star and played it down as awesome timing. But nothing can compare to the feeling of utter awe when God does a little something just to assure me he’s still there and always has been.

It was a wonderful start to the New Year and a definite sign that God’s going to be hugely present in this year. University’s going to start. I’ll be surrounded by new faces, new surroundings. God will be the only constant thing in my life. That doesn’t scare me anymore –in fact, it’s testament to how much my relationship with him has strengthened. I’m going to take leaps of faith this year and appear to others just as that shooting star appeared to me. I may only see them for a minute, a few seconds, maybe only an instant. But I plan to make a lasting impression for the Lord with every brief encounter I have.

 I can’t think of a better goal to have in life, let alone 2012.

I’ve never thought much off New Years. I’ve never been invited to the big house parties or felt that much of an urge to go. I’ve never seriously made a New Year’s resolution. I’ve never really even thought, “This is the year my life’s going to change!”

It’s always been just another day.

This year’s different though. At the end of summer, 2011, Gods changed my life. He transformed my heart and FINALLY, I felt like I belonged. I felt like I could do wonders for his Kingdom and actually follow through with all my promises. I could look back on this year and point out many things that could have defined it. I could choose a happy memory with friends to remind me what this year was all about or remember some of my greatest disappointments to remind myself what next year can’t be about. But it all pales in comparison to my God.

 Nothing seems quite so important, amazing or heartbreaking when placed beside him.

I don’t have a New Year’s resolution because as things stand, this really is just a new year. 2011, however, brought a new beginning. I found my faith, lost human love and gained so much more than I could ever have imagined. Before 2011, the only thing I truly hoped with every New Year was that I’d finally get it right. I’d finally say THE prayer that I’d always follow through on – the prayer that would spark a complete change in quiet time consistency, perseverance in prayer and sincere faith.

Now that I’ve gained that, what more could I ask for? Sure, I could hope that I’ll get into the University course I want but even that seems so small when I think about the woman God’s shaping me to be. She may not be meant for University. She may find herself living in mud huts, surrounded by foreign voices and new worlds.  I’ve come to discover that I’m much more than just a 17 year old girl. I’m a faithful servant and a miracle in the making. I can’t foresee what 2012 will bring but what I do know is that I won’t be experiencing it alone. I’ll never feel alone again.

Thank you Lord for everything you’ve done this year. I feel so much better about life now – about myself. I’m not searching anymore because you found me. It’s sad to leave 2011 behind but 2012 is the year it all started right. I’m spending tonight with my closest Christian friend and we’re entering the New Year in a way that counts, laughing, praying and reminiscing. We both faced hard times this year, along with all our friends – but somehow, God makes none of that matter.

Sometimes, the greatest changes aren’t the ones everyone notices straight away. It’s a gradual, internal process - and for me, this was the realisation that I wasn’t tainted by past failures in trying to follow Christ. In fact, I felt motivated to tear away things that would hinder future endeavours for him. I finally understood why I was even saved in the first place – so I would never have to struggle alone or let my mistakes define me.

I thought for a while that I’d feel saddened by all that’s happened this year. Instead, I’m sighing with relief. Everything God brought me through has been leading me up to this point, and many more like it, in 2012. It was all worth it in the end if it means being able to enter 2012 saying “God saw I was ready – he tested my faith and I trusted him”.

I’m embracing you, 2012 – but I think you’d better brace yourself for this child of God. I’m planning to make an impact – are you ready?