“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” – CS Lewis.

This struck a chord with me today. I spend so much time relying on God, taking every little infliction and placing as much of a positive spin on it as possible. Sometimes, I struggle through the school day, just about clinging to the thought of Gods master plan that I can’t quite grasp yet.  I torture myself with the need to know why things happen at the exact moment they do.  I find it difficult to live in the moment because while I’m aware I’ll experience immense blessings in this life with God, I’ll also endure fierce hardships. It makes me so anxious sometimes because I know that for every good thing God provides, he’ll also test me. Relentlessly, in a loving, fatherly way but when I can’t get past all the hurt I may face in the future, for a moment, that doesn’t seem like much of a consolation.

I’ve realised that my fear of what’s to come in this life with God isn’t really about trusting his perfect plan. It’s more that I know the cost at which this plan must unfold. I know there will be many sacrifices, heartache and pain.

I rarely feel scared about what God will do in my life. I trust that he’s bringing me to places I need to be, people i need to meet and allowing me to experience things that will better me as a person. It’s the journey that I tend to obsess over and analyse. I’m assured that everything will be done for Gods glory and that nothing will leave me feeling worse off.

I want my walk with God to be joyful and unhindered by the harsh realities of life. Negative thoughts tend to infiltrate my mind when I’m going through periods of stress, like exams. I’ve been thinking of this quote all day and I’m thankful that Gods showing me parts of myself that I can work on and progress with.  As I write this, I’m in a pretty bad mood.  In fact, I’m in a pretty foul mood! Exams are on the horizon and I’ve too much on my mind to focus properly.

Within an hour, I know I’ll be fine again. I’ll talk to God; he’ll tell me its okay and quieten my anxious heart. He’ll remind me that I’m living a life that’s been mapped out with immense grace and precision timing. I’ll sit over my bible and read something that stirs that familiar fire in my heart again and I’ll remember that I’m truly happy, even in times of sadness. I’ll step away from Gods throne feeling renewed and ready to fight, ready to submit, ready to learn.  This will stay with me until my next downhearted day, and the process will repeat. And that’s not a bad thing. That’s exactly why we need God.

 This life consists of constant flying, soaring, falling, crashing, and then mustering up the courage to get right back up and face whatever knocked us down. I don’t think I could do that over and over without a little faith.

Communion was POWERFUL today. Grown men were standing up, speaking of how God had sustained them through struggles. There was no pride in any of their words. They weren’t praying for the sake of it. I didn’t get a “look at me” vibe. All I saw was complete awe at the grace displayed to them by their Saviour. I sat there, my eyes brimming with tears as I considered how Gods been sustaining me. I’m only 17 – at least 20 years younger, if not more, than half the people speaking out but in that moment, I felt like I identified with every single one of them. One man spoke of his great love for his children and I thought of the future children I may come to love. Another man, his voice wavering, talked about how he had fallen many times and experienced a tough week and even though I could hear the pain in his voice, there wasn’t an ounce of resentment in his words.  He simply admired God for bringing him through it. I feel challenged by what I saw and heard. The atmosphere was undeniable – every person in that room had something troubling their hearts and still, they displayed nothing but thankfulness. I found myself praying for everyone in the room – and with everything going on, I’ve only been praying for myself lately. I acknowledged that yes, I may be suffering but how bad do I REALLY have it? I’m not bed ridden. I’m not in the absolute pits of despair. I’m not contemplating death.  I’m able to function pretty much as I was before. I’m INCREDIBLY blessed. I’ve lost some and gained much. Despite the many nights I’ve cried to God and expressed my sadness at all that has happened, I have a lot to look forward too. I think I’ll feel a void for a while, but eventually, I won’t notice because God will have replaced what once filled it.

Please let that day come soon, Lord. I’m being as strong as I can and as faithful as I can. Grant me peace. Grant me happiness. Grant me love. Amen.

Sooo many people that I follow on Tumblr who have Christian blogs post inspiring pictures with verses and encouragement, all centered on God. I decided to surf the web and see what I could find and came across this. It doesnt have any words and maybe isn’t that impacting to most. But it reminds me that I’m saved through Gods grace alone and he has formed a new heart within me. To me, one hand represents the choice we make to turn our lives to God and the other hand, represents Gods mercy in granting us salvation, and thus creating - a transformed heart.