Lord, I wonder how much of a true servant I am to you. Sometimes my words and actions seem so far from what you’ve taught me and I question my spiritual growth. I look at the many ways in which you’ve blessed me and I cannot possibly repay you. Growth is hard to measure. Sometimes, I’m on the very cusp of breaking through but never quite get there. Every day, I’m striving. I’ve gone from making an effort to pray to praying without much thought. Yet I’m experiencing the best prayer sessions in my walk with you. That’s growth.

I’ve gone from making an effort to include you more and more in my life to physically being unable to revise for exams until I’ve sat down and spent time with you. I act on those moments of impulse you give me, Lord, instead of telling myself I have more pressing things to do. That IS growth. Things remain in my life that frustrates me greatly when placed beside the things you’re already achieving in me. I find it difficult to hold my tongue and keep an opinion to myself. Half the time, I don’t even consider how hurtful that opinion can be, but I voice it anyway. In that moment, I feel so disappointed in myself that I forget all the things you’ve been helping me get right.

I am changing – in small yet very important ways. I’m changing things in my life that used to be crumbling around me. When I’m in your presence, nothing feels too overwhelming or hard to take. All I feel is peace. All I experience is love. And I’m no longer weak.

I have so much to work on in my life but for all my flaws, I’m willing to submit, Lord. All my cares, stresses and, anxieties - I’m willing to give them to you and leave my worries trailing behind me. This year is going to present many changes in its self, but you’ve given me a courageous spirit. I know I’m facing every mountain with you, Lord. Every hurtful word and spiteful comment will be dealt with in prayer. I’ll revel in every awkward conversation just because I’ve decided to share my faith with someone else. I’ll face pain with joy and acceptance (probably after I shout at you in prayer – when anger hits, you know my first instinct, Lord.) but I’ll always seek to understand why you do things. This year is the year of The Lord for me. The first year I’ve ever walked consistently with you. Getting it wrong, getting it right, not getting anything at all. And it will all be done with you.

So, I’m asking you to use me. To look past my past failures and struggles when most other humans can’t.  Rid me of the assumption that because I spent so many years struggling in my faith, that others can’t see you in me anymore. Even in my weakest hours, I want to be used. Even if another girl see’s me stumbling and realises she’s no worse for stumbling at times too. I love you, Lord. I love the things I can feel happening and I’m ready to be used.

So, I’m ready when you are.

I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve pretty much been in hiding! It sounds like I’ve fallen away from God but I couldn’t have fallen more in love with him and just at the right time! I took a break to seek him, to spend time with him and just be with him. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of weird emotions this last while. I’ve been having moments where I wake up in the morning and have this absolute feeling of dread for what the days going to bring. I struggle with feelings of self consciousness, constantly worrying about how I’m perceived by others; and I look at my appearance and wonder if I’m anything special. I look at other girls and wish I could have their confidence. In short, I’ve felt like a bit of a joke lately. In all of this though, I haven’t lost sight of the silver lining that God’s forever reminding me off. When I found myself single over a month ago, I couldn’t have pictured dealing with it in the way I have. I’ve definitely said things that I’m not proud off and reacted badly at times when I shouldn’t have. I’m young and I’ve never dealt with a break up. But I’m at a point where all the sad moments are drowned out by moments of happiness. I look at my friends and the way they look at me. The way they hug me and laugh with me. That’s love. These girls have been the source of every good feeling that’s made me feel loved and I know God brought them into my life for this exact reason. I see strengths in their characters that I didn’t always notice. Sarah keeps my feet on the ground with words of insight. She knows what to say despite not having been in the same situation. Meghan balances that out perfectly by allowing me to stick my head in the clouds every now and then. Sarah grounds me and protects me from disappointment whilst Meghan opens my mind to the amazing possibilities that await me. Dups just makes me laugh until I can’t breathe. She reminds me that I really am happier and that I haven’t lost something that I won’t have again in the future.  I used to look at girls who had relationships end and wonder why they took it so hard. I think in a lot of cases it isn’t the loss of a boyfriend that hurts the most. It’s the loss of a friend. Maybe even the loss of a period of your life where you felt most secure. That part of my life is over and here I stand. Firm and steadfast in my faith, anticipating blessings that the Lord has in store. I don’t regret anything in all of this. I don’t feel anger anymore which is the most freeing thing in the world! I am genuinely happy and the BEST part about all this is that, that happiness isn’t from worldly things. It’s from feeling God working in my life. He’s opening my mind to things I would never have considered when in a relationship. I feel at peace with all that’s happened and can firmly say that I’m trusting God entirely on this one. He’s preparing me for something. And he’s giving me a heart that forgives. I’m letting go of any negative feelings I’ve had in all this and pray for the other person, asking God to be with him and bring him happiness. I sleep sound every night knowing that God is doing that. The silver lining is scarily vast and it’s real! I write this in the hope that another girl reads it and sees that silver lining, if even for a moment. My Saviour heals all wounds and Lord, your patching up that wound pretty dang good.

If you really seek love, turn to the girls who’ve been there from the start. The girls who have cried with you, shared your pain, made you laugh, made you hope and made you joyful. Those girls have been placed in your life as vessels from your Maker. I believe strongly that God understands the struggle in trusting what you can’t physically see and because of this, I think he places people in our lives to remind us of him. You can see him. He’s all around you! He’s the one at the end of the phone when your upset. He’s the one who drops everything in a heartbeat to console you. Treat these friends well and value them alongside your faith. When they tell you, you’ll be okay – take it from me – they don’t get it wrong.

I had a slight crisis in faith last night. Something happened and I suddenly found myself all confused about why this was happening and whether I should even be holding out hope. I begged God to be with me. I prayed that he’d help me sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. But I woke up and still felt pessimistic. My hearts been constantly stirring this last week and hasn’t had much time to be shaken for the worst. I let feelings that I’d been doing so well to hold off, hit me like a tsunami! But I’m feeling better now. I had a quiet time and set everything right in my head.

A friend showed me this verse:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; hope. And Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” - Romans Ch5: v3-5

It strikes me now, as I’m writing this, that all the verses I’ve been drawing comfort and guidance from have spoken about three main things - Hope, forgiveness and perseverance. There’s been a lot of patience thrown in there too. I know God’s allowing me to grow. I can feel it happening! It’s painful, but it’s also refreshing. Whatever he has in store for me will be better and I’ll appreciate it more because of this trial. With or without this person, God will bring me happiness. I have a personal assurance of how this will work out, which drives my hope. I don’t believe it’s been placed there by my own desires, but by God. I just know that I can’t miss out on all this spiritual growth by trying to rush to the end result. I have to sit tight, be patient and let God do this on his own terms.

I’m so thankful that I’m really not alone, even though I feel like I am sometimes. I’m literally placing ALL my hope in the Lord. I hope he warrants this hope by fixing all this for me, repairing everything and strengthening all involved.

“No one whose hope is in you, will ever be put to shame.” – Psalm Ch25: v3

Charting spiritual progress used to be extremely easy for me…mainly because there wasn’t a lot of it. One month after recommitting to God, I’m looking at how far I’ve come! I spent a few quiet times praying and writing and I think I’ve boiled it down to a few key changes that have come about.

1.    Praying – I pray so much more now! I feel more connected when I pray too. It no longer feels like a facade or a chore. Even at night, when I’m drifting off and suddenly a thought enters my mind, I don’t ignore it. I pray willingly without making an excuse to hold it off for the morning. I pray for meaningful things. Things that I’m passionate about and it’s the kind of passion I only feel when I talk to God now. I know God is listening. It’s like I’m talking to an old friend now! I feel uninhibited and free because I no longer harbour any guilt for being less than perfect. I accept that my words have been accepted by a Father who WILL answer in whatever way he sees fit. In short? Prayer is awesome now.

2.    My quiet times have been completely transformed! I’m so much more positive about why I set time aside for God. I’m enthusiastic to learn and receive Gods message, but most importantly, I understand why it’s crucial for me to do so. I don’t second guess myself anywhere NEAR as much. I used to get restless and question whether it was really working or whether I was the problem. Now, if I even get a hint of those feelings, I either address them in prayer or soldier on in my reading until I’m reminded differently. I think experiencing such good quiet times has changed my outlook on a lot of things. I rely on God more to put me at ease with uncertainty because it’s a trait of life that I don’t need to deal with on my own. I can be fully honest about my failings without hopeless regret that sets me back in my faith – I just get on with it! Gods taken my cynical attitude and transformed me into a child who sees my Christian cup as half full. I feel unburdened when I give my fears and worries to God and I expect less from myself and more from him.

I realise that this could all change at any time. There will come a day when I don’t feel like praying or opening up my bible and unfortunately, those will probably be the days it’s most required of me to snap myself back into shape! But I’m going to be as thankful and enjoy it as much as possible whilst I’m at this point because it will stand testament to my relationship with God forever. If I ever do have a succession of very low days, I pray I read this blog and remember how God changed me and intends for me to remain fiery for him until the end of my days. 

    If you’re a Christian, take a little time to see how you’ve changed in big and small ways. It’s important to acknowledge what you’re getting right sometimes.

Well, it’s been an entire month since I recommitted to the Lord! Not gonna lie, I literally only realised as I sat down to blog. I spent the other night assessing how I’ve grown in just over 3 weeks, and only got round to blogging exactly a month after. I had other plans for this blog but I’m just going to ramble :D

It’s a weird, unexplainable feeling to have reached this point – on one hand, I’m thrilled that I finally took hold of my faith and embraced it. On the other hand, God provided me with a quiet confidence 4 weeks ago that I would be reflecting back, weeks later, on pretty much the same wavelength. I’ve NEVER had that, which is pretty unbelievable considering I grew up in a wonderful Christian home and have really never had an excuse to neglect my faith. I found excuses to justify laziness. Now, I find an excuse to DO my quiet time. I wish I could have appeared to my past self and told her how everything would change so suddenly and get soo much better! But NOW is what matters and noticing all the subtle changes going on in my life reinforces that. I can’t change how I used to be. It’s all about the future when it comes to faith, because our past is set in stone. The future can vary according to how we live in the present and as Christians, God is helping us to live properly to help achieve his future plans for us.  I believe this has all happened now for a proper reason! I could have sat on my butt all summer but God had other plans in mind and is definetly preparing me for a proper life in fellowship with him!

I just thought I’d post a blog to mark this stepping stone in my faith :) I’ve received such a blessing in that God allowed me to have this transformation during summer where my heart and mind are far more settled than when I’m in the thick of the school year. He knew I was weak and doubtful, and treated me accordingly! He’s been such a gentle and patient Saviour these last few years. Something tells me he’s about to shake things up this year though. I’m going to be ready though! I’m pumped and ready to go!

BRING IT ON!