Caught in the CrossFire

I don’t know if I see the connections we make with people in the same way the world does. I believe in connections but I don’t think they amount to much. It’s a small moment of “Hey, they’re pretty cool” but you can have that moment with just about anyone if you happen to be having a good day or just feel a little friendlier than usual.  To me, the word “bond” is more appropriate for what God allows us to have with people. I believe that God bonds us to people inevitably and for reasons that we’ll never understand.  That’s the entire point of it for me. I believe that people are brought into our lives for the exact purpose of changing us for the better in some way. They aren’t the sort of people we ever could have just known and talked to in passing. They’re the kind of people we can’t help but come to love. When I’m in my late twenties and look back on my life, I’m pretty sure there will be faces that bring me back to good times but didn’t change my life immensely. Then there will be other people – friends, boyfriends, even certain teachers – that stick out for all the right reasons. I don’t believe that bonds make people indestructible or bind us together for life. I don’t believe the lessons we learnt from that person can ever be fully forgotten either – even if we no longer see each other.

Obviously as a Christian, I believe that God brings certain people into our lives for a reason. I have friends who I’m sure I’ll know until the day I die. I also have friends who I’ve shared life experiences with that I can never have for the first time again. We may be separated through circumstances but the bond remains in other ways because we’ve helped to shape each other’s lives.

I think sometimes God separates us from the people we bond with and care about the most to help us appreciate everything they taught us. They may have only been intended for a certain part of our lives and being torn apart may hurt like crazy, but maybe that’s Gods way of saying that what he placed between us was special and should never be taken for granted – whether together or apart. If you continue down a rocky road with someone for too long, memories can become blurred and all the bad points of your time together can block any real chance of a moderately happy ending – which can range from a happy reunion to a renewed openness to be with someone else in that way somewhere down the line.

I think I’m becoming scared to form too deep a bond with someone again. I won’t always be – but the reality that it doesn’t always guarantee a “forever” hits hard and I keep asking God why. Why does he form these bonds and then tear people apart? Why does he allow us to impact people’s lives, and feel impacted by them only for it all to be cut short and in a way that sometimes feels so cruel?

I have my own suspicions but after a little searching and healing, I’ll get back to you on that one!

I’m being tested beyond belief right now. I haven’t run from God but I feel betrayed by him. Deep down, I know he isn’t hurting me for the sake of it. If I don’t think about anything too deeply, I see his purpose. I see why he’s doing it. Then I think about things in different ways. How much I’ll miss. How much I feel like I’ve lost. How little I must have been and had to make things turn out this way. And I suddenly find myself blaming him again. He foresaw this though. He knows I’m just hurt and it’s all a healing process. I’m going to delve back into the scriptures today and start to see Gods reasoning for all of this.

I’ve had moments of acceptance where I feel at peace with all that’s happened. I imagine my future. I picture the boy that God will bring me too and how he’ll be everything I always wanted. Everything I’ll ever need. I find myself excited at the prospect of discovering this guy and feeling the way I have for the last year. Completely loved and accepted. I know that when I step through those doors in University, I’ll feel ready to chase whatever God places in front of me. Whether it be my career, love, friendship or independence. He knows what I seek though. I seek a boy who seeks him. I want happiness in my career. I want the beauty of freedom in a new world! I want old friendships to remain and new friendships to flourish. I want to experience love in every form – not just from another human being.  I want a lot of things but I rarely beg God for anything. I rarely ask for anything that will actually shape my future in big ways. I should be settled in what he’s made happen and yet I find myself begging him to reverse it. I have to stop doing that now. I have to stop seeking others before him. That’s probably why he’s done this and yet I’m constantly thinking “Okay, I get the point!” rather than actively doing what he’s pushing me into.

Blaming God isn’t going to make this any better. I hate that I have to do this. I hate having to be without someone who’s meant so much to me for so long.

 But I know I’ll look back on all this someday and then look to my side, and see someone who made it all worthwhile.

I had a slight crisis in faith last night. Something happened and I suddenly found myself all confused about why this was happening and whether I should even be holding out hope. I begged God to be with me. I prayed that he’d help me sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. But I woke up and still felt pessimistic. My hearts been constantly stirring this last week and hasn’t had much time to be shaken for the worst. I let feelings that I’d been doing so well to hold off, hit me like a tsunami! But I’m feeling better now. I had a quiet time and set everything right in my head.

A friend showed me this verse:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; hope. And Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” - Romans Ch5: v3-5

It strikes me now, as I’m writing this, that all the verses I’ve been drawing comfort and guidance from have spoken about three main things - Hope, forgiveness and perseverance. There’s been a lot of patience thrown in there too. I know God’s allowing me to grow. I can feel it happening! It’s painful, but it’s also refreshing. Whatever he has in store for me will be better and I’ll appreciate it more because of this trial. With or without this person, God will bring me happiness. I have a personal assurance of how this will work out, which drives my hope. I don’t believe it’s been placed there by my own desires, but by God. I just know that I can’t miss out on all this spiritual growth by trying to rush to the end result. I have to sit tight, be patient and let God do this on his own terms.

I’m so thankful that I’m really not alone, even though I feel like I am sometimes. I’m literally placing ALL my hope in the Lord. I hope he warrants this hope by fixing all this for me, repairing everything and strengthening all involved.

“No one whose hope is in you, will ever be put to shame.” – Psalm Ch25: v3

The grass is always greener on the other side.

 Such an overused saying that’s so cliché, I hate admitting there’s an ounce of truth to it. But until you find yourself hoping that the other side of whatever you’re facing is so much better and worth all the pain and heartache, you tend to cling to these sayings. I certainly have.

I woke up at 9am this morning and lay there pining for my bible! I dragged myself out of my warm cocoon and brought it back to bed with me, hoping that God had something to say. I read some psalms and then my stomach started rumbling so badly I couldn’t ignore it…but I did find words of encouragement and James 1:12 reminds me of this saying except delivered straight from God himself -

 “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who Love Him.” – James 1:12

I’ve been drenching myself in these kinds of verses to remind myself that everything gets better with God in the long run. He’s breaking my spirit to save my soul. He’s giving me valuable life experience. He’s letting me feel what my friends have felt. What my future daughter may feel someday. He’s giving me the words to counsel others who have faced the same things. He’s blessing me despite this wall of pain I keep running headfirst into. It’s funny because when he’s holding me back and reminding me to bite my tongue; I’m like a spoilt toddler. I get annoyed at him for a moment and then I soften up because he’s my father and I know he does it because he cares.

I don’t know what the next few days hold for me but I’m nowhere near as fearful as I thought I’d be. I have moments of doubt. I shed a tear if I think about it too deeply. But I’m placing it into Gods hands so that I don’t have to think or analyse it so much. I’m going to spend my time letting him help me understand. There’s a mild sense of happiness in all of this. I’m happy God’s testing me and giving me the chance to grow. I’m surprised at how well I’m coping but I’m surrounded by hope right now. I may not have that soon enough and I’ll be an angry, hurt and confused child, lashing out at God. But he understands and he’ll let me lash out until I’ve nothing more in me.

All in all, whatever’s beyond this has to be better. It has to be worth it. It’s going to have Gods Will written all over it and I’m going to be happier. That’s all I need to know right now.

The last few days have been pretty rough and Gods been closer than ever. He’s SPEAKING. Really speaking! I don’t have to reveal the details of what’s been going on for it to mean anything but it’s something I’ve never faced before and without God, I’d be stumbling blind. He’s been with me though. I knew I could trust him to reveal himself when I needed him the most.

During this struggle, I’ve had an encounter with the same verse twice –

“As Gods chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” – Colossians Ch. 3: v12

On the first occasion, I noticed it near the start of my blog where I made reference to a person I love beyond reasonable measure. I spoke about how they exuded the qualities of this verse.

Then, out of curiosity, I looked up a date that was significant in our relationship on one of those verse booklets that assign a verse to each day of the year. This verse was quoted again. I felt an overwhelming sense of forgiveness in my soul which hasn’t been an unfamiliar feeling through all this. I haven’t felt anger or resentment. I’ve felt nothing but love and graciousness and a yearning to gain understanding and move forward. God has everything to do with that!

He’s directing me to forgiveness. I’ve sensed it for days now. I looked this verse up and read further. God couldn’t have gotten more blatantly obvious in what he required from me –

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against each other. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” – Colossians Ch3 cont.

I have to move forward and forgive, choosing to love rather than blame. Gods been instilling this in me from the moment it all got real. I feel called to love this person and whether they feel called to love me back or not isn’t really down to me. But I know my Saviour and I know he brought me to certain people on this earth for different reasons. All of those reasons are worth pursuing and holding onto.

God’s given me hope.