Knowing that I’ve been placed on this earth for a purpose is what fulfils me in life. Living each day in the knowledge that an All powerful Saviour has marked out each step of my life with perfect precision allows me to feel content that whatever I’m facing, I’ll face upheld in God’s grace and strength, which to this very day, have never failed me.
I know that by grasping each day I’m bringing further into motion what’s already underway. I pay attention to the purpose Gods planned for me by consulting him as much as I can. I take risks that teach me to rely on God when I feel a sudden lack of control. Letting him take control is the absolute key. Even when I mess that up, I know I haven’t compromised that purpose in the slightest because God said it himself – he doesn’t start anything in anyone that he won’t bring through to completion.
My life, ultimately, rests in your hands Lord. So here I am. Do with me what you will.
Prayer can be a difficult thing. I love the feeling of coming to God and being completely open with him. I love opening my eyes and feeling that sense of peace that even my closest friends can’t give me sometimes. There have been times that I’ve come to God in prayer with an unsettled heart, tears in my eyes and a racing pulse and by the end of it, I’m completely at ease. The tears are on the verge of my eyes but they don’t fall. I feel a sense of strength to suck them back and face whatever’s caused them. My heart beat slows and I feel like I’ve awoken from a really deep sleep. For just a moment, as I acknowledge how different I feel after one prayer, I forget why I even bowed my head in the first place. When I remember, I feel joyful that God granted me that escape. It reminds me that NOTHING is ever as bad as it seems or as this world will lead me to believe. Even so, it’s often a hurtful process, forcing me to talk about things I tend to hide away when surrounded by other people. While this only benefits me in the long run, it doesn’t make it any easier.
I’m praying for a friend right now, someone who I care about deeply. I pray for no one like I pray for him. I hope more for him than I do any other person in my life and yet, he gives me nothing in return. For some reason, this can’t even make me turn from him completely. I often ask God why things had to change so much. I challenge Gods purpose in taking him out of my life. But I trust that God’s working in him. It’s hard to remember God’s in control when I see the changes taking place in my friend’s life. I see the new influences he’s under and the new decisions he’s making. I feel my heart sink when I question whether he’s started drinking. I log onto facebook with a heavy heart because I know I’ll have to see something else that reminds me of the opposite paths we chose. I feel an inexpressible sadness not because I still love him. It’s not even because it seems he doesn’t care about me at all anymore. It’s because I always saw such a bright future for him, and it darkens as every day passes and he forgets God a little more.
I can choose to take everything at face value and assume this is just how it is now. I’m aware that most people my age would laugh at me if they knew how I felt about things. They’d tell me to lighten up or maybe even to back off, even though I’ve been doing a pretty good job of that lately. But when you truly care about someone on a deeper level – when you take love and your past together out of the equation and simply look at the person for who they are and who they could be – it’s impossible to not hope for more for them. No one can pray for him like I can because no one believes in him like I do. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, no other person has had a glimpse into his heart like I have, and they can’t envision the future I’ve envisioned for him. I know he’s going to have that bright future some day. Right now, it doesn’t seem like it. I have to look past all the changes and remember that I simply have to pray and care for him, hoping that he sees it in some way. That he knows he can make poor decisions and fall in with valueless people, and still have a safe haven if it ever falls apart.
Sometimes, as a Christian, we have to be that person. We have to suffer a little longer in love and friendship in order to be the people God called us to be and demonstrate his true love for his Children. It’s not fun – it’s heartbreaking and frustrating and something I’d never have chosen to do willingly but that’s how God works. He’s taught me that I don’t need or particularly want the love of a boyfriend. I just want peace to know that the one I did love has happiness and places trust in the right things and people. As I see his life changing more, I’m learning to bring it to God and trust that it’s easy to act a certain way, but no one can know how Gods stirring his heart. It WILL happen someday. He’ll wake up and realise his life, as it stands, isn’t fulfilling and it isn’t him. I’m thankful that Gods given me a heart that cares yet still heals. I’m happier and more comfortable in my own skin. I see a future that’s so awe inspiring and bright, I’m actually daring to dream a little. It’s exciting to feel like this again.
I know my friend will find his way. He may not even see things for what they are right now. He could perceive the way his life is now to be a happy one but it can’t compare to a life with God close. I may never even see his faith being renewed – but it doesn’t mean it won’t. Believing in something that you can’t make happen yourself is one of the most faith taxing things you’ll ever do – but that’s why we have a God like ours.
He makes happen, what we can’t even imagine.
So I’ll just keep praying.
I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve pretty much been in hiding! It sounds like I’ve fallen away from God but I couldn’t have fallen more in love with him and just at the right time! I took a break to seek him, to spend time with him and just be with him. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of weird emotions this last while. I’ve been having moments where I wake up in the morning and have this absolute feeling of dread for what the days going to bring. I struggle with feelings of self consciousness, constantly worrying about how I’m perceived by others; and I look at my appearance and wonder if I’m anything special. I look at other girls and wish I could have their confidence. In short, I’ve felt like a bit of a joke lately. In all of this though, I haven’t lost sight of the silver lining that God’s forever reminding me off. When I found myself single over a month ago, I couldn’t have pictured dealing with it in the way I have. I’ve definitely said things that I’m not proud off and reacted badly at times when I shouldn’t have. I’m young and I’ve never dealt with a break up. But I’m at a point where all the sad moments are drowned out by moments of happiness. I look at my friends and the way they look at me. The way they hug me and laugh with me. That’s love. These girls have been the source of every good feeling that’s made me feel loved and I know God brought them into my life for this exact reason. I see strengths in their characters that I didn’t always notice. Sarah keeps my feet on the ground with words of insight. She knows what to say despite not having been in the same situation. Meghan balances that out perfectly by allowing me to stick my head in the clouds every now and then. Sarah grounds me and protects me from disappointment whilst Meghan opens my mind to the amazing possibilities that await me. Dups just makes me laugh until I can’t breathe. She reminds me that I really am happier and that I haven’t lost something that I won’t have again in the future. I used to look at girls who had relationships end and wonder why they took it so hard. I think in a lot of cases it isn’t the loss of a boyfriend that hurts the most. It’s the loss of a friend. Maybe even the loss of a period of your life where you felt most secure. That part of my life is over and here I stand. Firm and steadfast in my faith, anticipating blessings that the Lord has in store. I don’t regret anything in all of this. I don’t feel anger anymore which is the most freeing thing in the world! I am genuinely happy and the BEST part about all this is that, that happiness isn’t from worldly things. It’s from feeling God working in my life. He’s opening my mind to things I would never have considered when in a relationship. I feel at peace with all that’s happened and can firmly say that I’m trusting God entirely on this one. He’s preparing me for something. And he’s giving me a heart that forgives. I’m letting go of any negative feelings I’ve had in all this and pray for the other person, asking God to be with him and bring him happiness. I sleep sound every night knowing that God is doing that. The silver lining is scarily vast and it’s real! I write this in the hope that another girl reads it and sees that silver lining, if even for a moment. My Saviour heals all wounds and Lord, your patching up that wound pretty dang good.
If you really seek love, turn to the girls who’ve been there from the start. The girls who have cried with you, shared your pain, made you laugh, made you hope and made you joyful. Those girls have been placed in your life as vessels from your Maker. I believe strongly that God understands the struggle in trusting what you can’t physically see and because of this, I think he places people in our lives to remind us of him. You can see him. He’s all around you! He’s the one at the end of the phone when your upset. He’s the one who drops everything in a heartbeat to console you. Treat these friends well and value them alongside your faith. When they tell you, you’ll be okay – take it from me – they don’t get it wrong.
I had a slight crisis in faith last night. Something happened and I suddenly found myself all confused about why this was happening and whether I should even be holding out hope. I begged God to be with me. I prayed that he’d help me sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. But I woke up and still felt pessimistic. My hearts been constantly stirring this last week and hasn’t had much time to be shaken for the worst. I let feelings that I’d been doing so well to hold off, hit me like a tsunami! But I’m feeling better now. I had a quiet time and set everything right in my head.
A friend showed me this verse:
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; hope. And Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” - Romans Ch5: v3-5
It strikes me now, as I’m writing this, that all the verses I’ve been drawing comfort and guidance from have spoken about three main things - Hope, forgiveness and perseverance. There’s been a lot of patience thrown in there too. I know God’s allowing me to grow. I can feel it happening! It’s painful, but it’s also refreshing. Whatever he has in store for me will be better and I’ll appreciate it more because of this trial. With or without this person, God will bring me happiness. I have a personal assurance of how this will work out, which drives my hope. I don’t believe it’s been placed there by my own desires, but by God. I just know that I can’t miss out on all this spiritual growth by trying to rush to the end result. I have to sit tight, be patient and let God do this on his own terms.
I’m so thankful that I’m really not alone, even though I feel like I am sometimes. I’m literally placing ALL my hope in the Lord. I hope he warrants this hope by fixing all this for me, repairing everything and strengthening all involved.
“No one whose hope is in you, will ever be put to shame.” – Psalm Ch25: v3
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Such an overused saying that’s so cliché, I hate admitting there’s an ounce of truth to it. But until you find yourself hoping that the other side of whatever you’re facing is so much better and worth all the pain and heartache, you tend to cling to these sayings. I certainly have.
I woke up at 9am this morning and lay there pining for my bible! I dragged myself out of my warm cocoon and brought it back to bed with me, hoping that God had something to say. I read some psalms and then my stomach started rumbling so badly I couldn’t ignore it…but I did find words of encouragement and James 1:12 reminds me of this saying except delivered straight from God himself -
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who Love Him.” – James 1:12
I’ve been drenching myself in these kinds of verses to remind myself that everything gets better with God in the long run. He’s breaking my spirit to save my soul. He’s giving me valuable life experience. He’s letting me feel what my friends have felt. What my future daughter may feel someday. He’s giving me the words to counsel others who have faced the same things. He’s blessing me despite this wall of pain I keep running headfirst into. It’s funny because when he’s holding me back and reminding me to bite my tongue; I’m like a spoilt toddler. I get annoyed at him for a moment and then I soften up because he’s my father and I know he does it because he cares.
I don’t know what the next few days hold for me but I’m nowhere near as fearful as I thought I’d be. I have moments of doubt. I shed a tear if I think about it too deeply. But I’m placing it into Gods hands so that I don’t have to think or analyse it so much. I’m going to spend my time letting him help me understand. There’s a mild sense of happiness in all of this. I’m happy God’s testing me and giving me the chance to grow. I’m surprised at how well I’m coping but I’m surrounded by hope right now. I may not have that soon enough and I’ll be an angry, hurt and confused child, lashing out at God. But he understands and he’ll let me lash out until I’ve nothing more in me.
All in all, whatever’s beyond this has to be better. It has to be worth it. It’s going to have Gods Will written all over it and I’m going to be happier. That’s all I need to know right now.